General information:
Gender: Woman
Age: 38
Name: BE

Background:

My s.o spends many hours downloading and recording breast especailly lactating ones. He has a adult find a friend account. Even after I found out about this he kept the account anyway and keeps certain "matches". But tried telling me that it had been his brother inlaw that must have gotten that account. If that is the case then why does he keep the info why hasn't he cancelled the account. Once he was tired so he took a little nap so that he could record that night. On New's years eve he had always told me how he liked to be intimate. He left me in the bed to go record. He has numerous magazines. He says he gets absolutley no sexual gratification out of this. And I do believe this. This is not used as couple enhancement. I don't mind the soft porn on occassion or the racey stuff on cinemax or hbo to enhance. But everynight and many daylight hours too. He also has an internet account that he says he doesn't remember. But just after I asked him about it he used it two days later. all the secrecy. He says all I want to do is control and take everything away from him. we rarely watch any tv together unless it is sports or his stuff. he won't watch anything that I do. He lets his responsibilties go (chores, bills,he has the kids wait on him and has them do the chores,). I knew that when I met him he had a breast fetish. But I had no idea to what lengths. When I move in here a year ago there was porn magazines and tapes at easy access. His 14 year son has had access to them and he doesn't see this as a problem. I finally got him to agree to box them up and put them away. He was suppose to put a lock on the door of storage and still never has. I think that this stuff should be for adults only and kid should in no way be exposed.

Question:

Am I overeacting? Is this an addiction that he has. Is this a way to avoid intamcy. I don't think of myself as a prude. I enjoy sex. But he trys to keep all of this private and the secrecy. I know I can't change him. But what can I do for myself. Any suggestions and/or a link would be helpful. BE

Andy's answer:

Dear BE,

Yes, I think what your significant other is doing with porn materials is both an addiction and a roadblock to genuine intimacy. Especially because he’s lying about it. He sounds very self-absorbed, and adolescent.

You, on the other hand, sound lonely in the relationship. It’s time to have some serious talks with your partner. Follow through with your confrontations because there are clear contradictions between his stories and his actions. Then also introduce how you are feeling about all this. Keep to mainly “I” statements, like, “I’m feeling lonely in our relationship” or “I hate when you focus on porno material rather than be with me”, or “I wish you’d take the time you spend with the porno stuff, and spend it with me”.

I think you have derailed yourself from pursuing and resolving these serious issues with your s.o. by thinking maybe it’s your fault. It’s not. What you want in the realtionship is appropriate. Your partner’s obsessive and cover-up behavior is destructive to your relationship, and your concern about that is healthy.

His feeling controlled or limited by you may have some validity to it too, but does not negate your feelings or desires in this matter. Don’t let this slide. Go for resolution. Get support for yourself, either with a therapist or a good friend who can also be impartial without just putting down your s.o. Couples therapy would be ideal. You two need to talk, and get down to the core issues and feelings. Do whatever it takes to bring that about.

Good luck!