Keeping his lie  

Gender: Woman
Age: 33
Name: Madison


I recently found gay porn sites had been accessed via my computer---my husband finally had to come clean after several attempts to deny and cover up the situation. He says our family is vital to him and he is not interested in pursuing that life style, but obviously there is a pretty powerful draw. I said I feel like I need to talk to someone---he has already nixed several people that I would prefer to talk to and I am feeling like he's trying to keep me in the closet. He never even alluded to having these desires when we were dating and if not confronted I don't know when or how I would have found out. Needless to say, I am confused, angry, frustrated---our marriage has been built on a bed of lies.



Do I have to maintain his trust and talk to no one when he was the one that lied and put us in this position or what is the most amicable way of choosing someone to help me in this situation?


Andy's answer:


Dear Madison,

I'd say your relationship is in serious trouble, and needs Intensive Care to make it through this crisis. Your husband's withhold makes for a damaging wedge between you two--one that will take your best efforts to resolve.

Your feelings are certainly valid, and because your husband lied to you from the very beginning, he now needs to do whatever it takes to regain your trust. That includes not only freely letting you talk to whatever counselor you wish to see, but also going to counseling himself, or together with you. In fact, I especially recommend couples' counseling.

Although your husband is probably uncomfortable to have been found out, this is no time for him to put the brakes on the process of discovery and self-expression. It's time to confess, get vulnerable and find out if the relationship has the love, committment, and willingness to grow together from all this--or if it's time to go separate ways.

It is also no time to be "nice" to your husband by accepting more of a cover-up or slow down of getting to the truth together. You have the right to insist that your husband cooperate fully in whatever you need to mend your wounds, and the integrity of the relationship. If he wants to help choose a therapist, fine. But don't let him delay or put it off. In fact, do it today.

Go for it!